I know I need to be gentle with myself. I’ve been unable to focus clearly, I’m more forgetful and I know this is normal for what I’ve experienced. I know crying is a release, a cleansing that helps express my emotions and allows me to grieve. I’m talking, and writing, to allow myself to work through my loss. It is slowly helping.
Today dear friends took me to a restaurant for lunch. I thought they were bonkers. Did they really want to sit in disbelief when I begin wailing at the table? They had me actually laughing again for just a little while for the first time. I’ve been crying and wailing since, and it’s okay. It’s my release and still a part of the grieving process. It will take time.
Right now I don’t seem to be able to even listen to music, something I absolutely love. But some day hopefully soon, I can, to help me relax and calm myself. I’m thinking that maybe tomorrow, Mother’s Day, I may ride my bike a bit – something Martin and I did together. Baby steps.
I have the cremated remains of Martin now in a somewhat unobtrusive urn on my coffee table. Why? Part of the anger I can’t let go of. He wouldn’t like me doing this and I am still angry with him for doing this to himself and to me. It’s not huge but it’s there. Perhaps I’m being bratty … we joked about that while he was alive. Someday I’ll likely spread his ashes from a boat – something he did love doing. Again, baby steps.
People tell me I’m a strong woman. I don’t feel strong currently. I want to feel that I can rebound from this trauma. The next major hurdle is to celebrate his life and pay tribute to say a final good-bye. It will be grueling and yet soothing too.