Is Suicide Stressful?

Now that the evening is falling, I’ve watered our flower and vegetable garden, I’m saddened that my Martin is not here with me physically.   His suicide was May 4th.  It’s torture to know our life together was cut so short and that I may have many years alone here on earth without him.   What a cruel thing to have to live through. 
I can at least say I’m so blessed for having three wonderful years with him.  We were so very happy and together loved.  It was easy being together.  That’s partly what made our life so loving and happy.  I want to see him once more, to talk with him, to tell him how much he is loved, to know our love doesn’t die because he in body is gone from me.
I have to try and make it.  It’s just so painful and hard.  The level of stress a person feels after losing a loved one to suicide  is catastrophically high — equivalent to that of a highly traumatic concentration camp experience, according to the American Psychiatric Association’s “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.”  
My shock at losing my loving husband overwhelmed me.  Then I was angry at him.  Confusion set in, sadness deepened, then the guilt and mostly the terrible debilitating grief.  I realize there is a very long road of healing ahead of me.  At this point, I’m hoping I get through it.  Optimistically, some day I can say I will get through it.   No hurry, I need to take things at my own pace in order to recover. 

I know I need to be gentle with myself.  I’ve been unable to focus clearly, I’m more forgetful and I know this is normal for what I’ve experienced.  I know crying is a release, a cleansing that helps express my emotions and allows me to grieve.  I’m talking, and writing, to allow myself to work through my loss.  It is slowly helping. 

Today dear friends took me to a restaurant for lunch.  I thought they were bonkers.  Did they really want to sit in disbelief when I begin wailing at the table?  They had me actually laughing again for just a little while for the first time.  I’ve been crying and wailing since, and it’s okay.  It’s my release and still a part of the grieving process.  It will take time.

Right now I don’t seem to be able to even listen to music, something I absolutely love.  But some day hopefully soon, I can, to help me relax and calm myself.  I’m thinking that maybe tomorrow, Mother’s Day, I may ride my bike a bit – something Martin and I did together.  Baby steps. 

I have the cremated remains of Martin now in a somewhat unobtrusive urn on my coffee table.  Why?  Part of the anger I can’t let go of.  He wouldn’t like me doing this and I am still angry with him for doing this to himself and to me.  It’s not huge but it’s there.  Perhaps I’m being bratty … we joked about that while he was alive.  Someday I’ll likely spread his ashes from a boat – something he did love doing.  Again, baby steps.

People tell me I’m a strong woman.  I don’t feel strong currently.  I want to feel that I can rebound from this trauma.  The next major hurdle is to celebrate his life and pay tribute to say a final good-bye.  It will be grueling and yet soothing too.   


One comment on “Is Suicide Stressful?

  1. a person posting this, It’s just what I was looking on ask. I would much rather hear opinions coming from someone, as opposed to a corporate and business website, that’s why I love weblogs so much. Thanks!

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