The baby steps are really tiny right now. I can’t say each day it gets better because each day I find something new to cry about or miss him in ways I cannot fathom happening and yet they do. This isn’t about just grieving you see. It’s about knowing that God didn’t call Martin because it was his time. My darling Martin succumbed to his demons, for which I know he now regrets. And even that is so very difficult, knowing I cannot console him, hold him in my arms and tell him everything will be alright again.
As humans I think we want to hold ‘someone’ accountable for mistakes. Although we can’t and we shouldn’t here. Was I angry at Martin for doing this? Oh my God, yes. That fateful day I found him slumped on the sofa, I remember crying out things that I’m only now realizing I actually said. Things like: How could you do this? Come back to me. You can’t go now, I need you! Please, please don’t go. You promised we’d grow old together. At first, I even remember thinking since his body was warm, that I could revive him … I remember slapping his face and believing he’d come out of it and awaken. Then realizing I had never before struck Martin – yet I thought I was doing a good thing in order to awaken him.
Those things we do in panic mode are generally not logical are they? How many of us create more of a frenzy because we cease to have the ability at the pinnacle of a state utter disbelief and fear to stay calm in the storm? I did … I now feel that I had those two little angels on my shoulders, the good and the bad. And within me, I fought and struggled between spouting out words to Martin or taking him in my arms doing whatever is needed to let him go. The toughest thing anyone should have to do.
Yesterday, at the Celebration of Life ceremony for Martin, everyone there helped release Martin from some of the guilt and also helped him feel the love and the good impressions he left upon us all. The gifts of butterfly plants and bushes in remembrance of our love for butterflies will ever be a joy for me and I believe Martin’s spirit as well.
I thank everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers, help in coordinating the Ceremony for Martin and overall for your friendship, kindness and love. David Groeller’s chosen song, I’ve Been Changed For Good, was remarkable and clearly spot on for me.
I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn And we are led
To those who help us most to grow If we let them
And we help them in return
Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you!
I have been changed for good because of Martin. No doubt about it at all. I believe he never knew, or at least didn’t believe, that he touched so many lives in such dramatic ways for good. He loved his father so but apparently wasn’t able to get through to him. He loved his mother so much, he bought her a home and helped remodel it. Even his first wife who died of cancer, he loved so dearly. He tried to help her grown children – and was hurt in the end because of their lack of caring about people other than themselves. Martin didn’t seem to be able to get close enough to people to feel their real affection and love for him. I think the demon(s) hid them from his sight.
It is amazing to me that he loved me so! It is even amazing to me now that I realize how much I love him too. I don’t know when I’ll truly be able to let him go … I honestly don’t think I ever can. But I read something this morning as to either letting it go or leaving it at the altar. Profound words … think of any or all of our major difficulties. People say we should let them go. Isn’t that such a gut-wrenching, difficult thing to do at times? What if we knew we could leave them at the altar and feel safe going forward that we do not have to carry their burden any longer?
I am forever indebted to Martin, forever in love with him and forever missing him. He did change my life in those girlie ways Ana spoke of yesterday, and in so many ways I cannot even pretend to tell you about. As difficult as life was for him, and death … he freely chose to help me through the awful ordeal of losing my dearest sister, Judy. Can you imagine how hard that was for him to do?
I loved him so very much … I love him still today … I am forever changed and forever in love with my darling Martin.
If ever you are fearful of letting someone know how you feel, please please remember this … do not hesitate to tell them. Even if you think there’s a chance they will not reciprocate your love. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what you feel and what you do! This much I am certain about.
I love you dear friends … I don’t know what the future holds for me. I only know my life has been a wild ride and for three short years, I got to share, enjoy, celebrate and live my life with the man of my dreams. I am so fortunate indeed.
And yet, I miss him so very much that a huge part of me has died too …