Well although I’ve made pretty good strides thus far, the holidays are bringing me down I’m afraid. Thanksgiving wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And friendship helped me along that day. It’s Christmas that has me tangled in knots. It has always been a celebratory two day event: my birthday on Christmas eve and of course Christmas. I guess since Martin and I were kids at heart, we happily enjoyed those days being kids all over again – kids in love.
Yesterday although I had things I wanted and needed to do, I never left the house. In fact, I never got out of my PJs. Saturday I went to Michael’s and picked out more frames and matting. Sunday I matted and framed a few more of Martin’s watercolors … they look really good if I do say so myself. But I didn’t leave the house and also was in PJs all day Sunday too. today, I made myself shower and get dressed but that was at 2:00 pm. Went outdoors to clean the pool filter etc. Came back in realizing I hadn’t eaten anything today yet and that was likely the reason I felt a bit dizzy.
Sam Baldwin in Sleepless in Seattle : Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
I’m trying to breathe in and out, and remember that I “did have it perfect for a while” but there’s somethin
g about the Christmas holiday isn’t there. So much hope and happinesst exists. The anticipation usually heightens those feelings. Unfortunately at the moment, it appears to be heightening the wrong feelings in me. I tell you these things NOT to make you sad for me, but rather to keep me in your prayers and thoughts. I believe in the power of prayer and I struggle more these days than I have for a while.
Something Kareen told me stays with me: Martin and I are joined eternally. However, should I succumb to a disastrous conclusion (a/k/a suicide) we would never ever be able to be together. Something in that statement shocked me enough to realize that I could not bear to never be with him again. So don’t worry about that.
Albert Pine said, “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” Martin did so much selflessly for the people he loved. It is his legacy, his love, and his life that I cherish.
I think this all came to a head because Mr. Cotton, my neighbor in his 80s, finally succumbed and died after a major stroke. The family, while expecting this outcome, still grieves naturally. It is always those left behind who are saddened and devastated at the loss of their loved ones.
As I walked in the garden today, before pool cleaning, I saw the dying or dead flowers and plants and oh how it saddened me. That too brought me to realize that in the midst of a beautiful life, death is ever apparent. Although this sounds gloomy it is a realization of what life is about. Do we anticipate it? Not usually unless old age is upon is, or we are in the midst of a life-threatening ailment. Should we anticipate it? Perhaps not. However, we should live our lives as if each day is important to us, because in many ways it truly is. We never get this time back … these days will become our memories in the future. How we live these days will create our remembrances. Knowing this, perhaps we should paint these pictures of our lifetime the way we wish to see them and remember them in the future …
Don’t ever get so busy and tied up with the strongholds of life that we forget about what life is about: people, not things!
I love you all my friends.