The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see.” Winston Churchill
Devoted to learning as much as possible, I continue putting pieces to the puzzle together of Martin, my late husband’s death. I realize that I will never know the whole story, however, I’m learning there is so much I didn’t know that Martin kept to himself. Though the farther forward I wish to go, truth is the farther back I must search.
He was a quiet, inward-thinking man – very much an introvert in many ways. He kept his pain to himself, only seldom speaking of it. For instance, in a recent email to someone close to him in his past – the early years – I’ve had a startling discovery. At first it felt painful for me … though upon a good deal of contemplation I appreciate why he may have preferred not to speak of it to me. Sadness, remorse, embarrassment, inability to relive that pain are all reasons which come to my mind. And I’m okay with his privacy for this issue. Perhaps he felt I would think less of him, or be angered by it. For the record, I am neither.
It’s sad that we place so much energy on holding something back like this. And unfortunately, Martin and I did not have much time to talk about all these things. We were together for such a short time before his demise … there wasn’t time really. I find that reasoning quite prominent in so many things. Like the plans we were making for travel, and the strategies of what to do next with our lives together. And this too may have factored into his stress level in the end for reasons none of us understand really.
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.” ~ François de la Rochefoucauld
We all go through ups and downs in our mood. Sadness is a normal reaction to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.
Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—instead, they feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic.
Whatever the symptoms, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep and have fun. Those feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness are intense and unrelenting with little, if any, relief.
I reiterate these symptoms in optimism to keep in the forefront those things which depressed people have in common. Thus with our help, with our communication with them, perhaps we will be able to rally around our friends, family, neighbors, co-workers – whomever we know — in order for them to get help. I know that after my tragedy of losing my beloved husband, I am healing, still, and it is only after eight months that I am enjoying seeing more of the light.
Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?” ~Rose Kennedy