How We Ambush Our Happiness


 

Ever been hurt in a relationship?  Or accused your partner for something you knew deep inside wasn’t their responsibility?  It seems customary in our world for people to pull back from that very person they may love and to feel betrayed by their partner’s failures or what we judge as failure. 

A great deal of dissatisfaction is socially inflicted from our beliefs in the guidelines and unwritten rules of society; we are conditioned to blame our partners for our unhappiness.  But is it really their responsibility to make us happy?  Or is it our right, and our obligation alone to make ourselves happy? 

We ought to accept that our partner is not ideal in every way although he/she is ideal in many ways.  When wishing your partner were different, why not remind yourself of all the ways they are the person you want to be with?  Focus on the positives to work out any negative feelings.  Somehow our  disappointment feels so “personal” we see no other possibility but to hunt for psychological reasons – that is, to blame our partner for our personal happiness. 

People work themselves up over the ordinary problems of relationships, for which they usually fail to see their own contributions.  They badger their partners to change and convince themselves nothing will shift or change and so they work their way out of a really good relationship.  More than ever we are paying attention to the most volatile elements of our emotional makeup – elements too reactive to fleeting events to give meaning to life. 

Ultimately how is anyone going to stack up against this perfect person who is out there somewhere just waiting to be found?  It creates doubt about the person you are with, someone you might be in love with, yet you keep thinking who knows what is possible out there?  What am I missing if I stay in my current relationship?  The grass is always greener theory never seems to prove itself does it …

Do you play the dissatisfaction or heartbreak game?  Heightened sensitivity to relationship problems that follow from constantly appraising our happiness only serves to encourage us to turn our dissatisfaction into our own personal heartbreak.  It’s a no win situation for us or our partner. 

Through the alchemy of desire, our wants become needs and unfulfilled needs become our personal tragedies.  Simple as that, sadly.  We take the everyday disappointments in our relationships and treat them as intolerable, and see them as demeaning, sort of the equivalent of alcoholism or abuse.  And, of course, we gauge that we want and must get out of that relationship and fast. 

Important as it is for us to choose the right partner, probably it is more important to actually be the right partner.  We often focus on changing the wrong person.  If anyone has to change in a relationship, isn’t it us – although preferably with the help of a partner?  We feel that we deserve better than we’re getting and tend to give up on the relationship in order to find the perfect Mr. or Ms. Right.

Life worth living, in my opinion, is a life worth having – one in which you and your partner are happy, focused and working just as hard on your relationship as you do playing sports, or working at your job/career.

I don’t believe that each current relationship is where those two partners should be.  But if you look at the stats for marriages, the breakdown and finality: the divorce rate is higher than 50%.  This is a staggering statistic. 

Happiness is holding on to your values, deciding who you are and who you want to be and being that person.  Use your talents, invest in yourself and others and most especially invest in your relationship.