To Feel Love Again … Ditto


 

 

“Remember everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something”

 

When you lose love in your life, there is a huge hole left, a gaping hole in your heart where love dwelt.  It doesn’t matter how that love was lost – natural causes, suicide, old age, accident … loss is painful.  Loss of love hangs over you as a black cloud, raining upon daily life.  And depending upon loss of whom – be it a parent, a child, a spouse, a friend – the damage to your heart can be long-term and feel endless.

“Real loss only occurs when you love something more than yourself.”

However, there is a glimpse of a positive aspect.  I know this first-hand after losing the love of my life, my sweet husband, due to suicide.  It has now been 28 months as of September 4th that he is gone from this world.  Too soon, too hurtful, too sad.  I faced so many unperceivable emotions during this time.  Yet there is happiness in my life now.  The light is brighter in my heart and my soul can breathe again.  It was a lesson in breathing which began to teach me I could live again and be truly alive through the sadness.

The term “light at the end of the tunnel” is something which makes you believe that a difficult or unpleasant situation will end.  I’ve lost love through several situations in my life.  Loss of husband, parents, siblings, friends all feel just a bit different; the loss of my husband being the worst ever.  Suicide is devastating and you never, ever get over it.  I have learned, however, that you can live through it and “yes” you can even allow happiness to shine on you again.

My writing back nearly two and one-half years ago was what I call black writing.  It was meaningful and important, yet bleak and dark.  My life was altered forever.  With the love of friends and what I believe are my angels surrounding me, I purposefully brought life back into my heart.  Life trailed along in the form of furry pets, my three beautiful girls.  These girls are three dogs I’ve rescued, or really who rescued me.

 

Fast forward to present day and I am profoundly happier and feel so much love through these lovable creatures from God.  Love shows through and takes hold in so many ways and not just from furry creatures.  My friends have been guiding beams of light as my ship sailed without a compass for a while.  Many a stormy night presented itself during these 28 months, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you that I still have “those days” or “those nights” when sadness consumes me.  After all, when you have real love and lose it in this world, is it forgotten one day?  Then again, I must ask you is that love you feel you’ve lost truly lost?

 

 

Many, if not most, reading this right now have seen the movie, “Ghost” when Patrick Swayze says to Demi Moore, “It’s amazing, Molly.  The love you have inside, you take it with you.”

 

 

That love is what I miss in the here and now.  But it’s NOT gone.  It’s still here in my heart and always will be.  And I believe Swayze’s quote – Martin did take his love and mine with him!  The part I miss is the physical Martin in this life.  He was gone all too soon.  Although in life, we are never guaranteed what forever means.  We have no guarantees other than to LIVE life.  And that, my dearest friends, is the key element to life.  We “must live life” in order to love and feel and be happy again.

“If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”

 

How Do We Heal a Heart And Life Lessons


 

It is one of those evenings when sleep eludes me and yet I feel a need to create.  Usually this occurs in writing.  And although the hour is late, from a gathering of thoughts I am posting in the hopes that I will reach someone out there who will be touched and will understand. 

When we are affected by a serious loss, be it a loved one’s death, loss of a job, financial conflicts, an accident creating loss of limb or mental capacity, there is always a life lesson to learn. 

Both love and loss gift us with extraordinary life lessons.  Some of these are elegant; some shatter us and bring us to our knees in devastation.  They’re all necessary to open our hearts to wisdom and faith.  Often we are stronger than we think!  I know this firsthand as a survivor of suicide – my husband completed suicide May 4, 2010 and I have healed so much, yet there is still further to go.  And suicide is something you never ever get over completely.  You merely learn to live through it. 

And I believe in the words of Winston Churchill who said, “If you think you’re going through Hell, keep on going!”

 

We all know that hearts are healed in time, but I believe that there are things we can do to make the process of inner healing just a little more tolerable.

It helps to remember that the pain is in the resistance.  It really is true that what we resist persists; I know that I have.  For the first six months after my husband’s death, I didn’t live; I merely went through life as a dying soul .  The more we fight reality, that which we cannot change, the more pain we experience.  The more we surrender and let go, the more we open ourselves to the natural flow of life so that the power of love can transport us to a new space of peace and acceptance.

I love the healing words of Achaan Chaa, who reminds us:

Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all. 

 

Death Is A Challenge – So Is Love!


 

After losing my husband, Martin, a few months ago I have been grieving and processing and healing.  It’s a long process – suicide survivors have such a difficult journey to travel. 

Leo Buscaglia said, “Death is a challenge.  It tells us not to waste time…It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.” 

After nine months I knew it was time.  I rescued two dogs, white Boxers.  They’re sisters.  Casey is deaf and looks to Miley all the time.  But don’t think that Casey is needy.  Not her – she is definitely a lot of action, fun and love all jumbled into a beautiful girl.   These girls tell me every day that they love me unconditionally  just by their actions.  They want to always be near me, and look for me even while they’re playing.  They want to kiss me endlessly (okay so it’s licking – but it’s what dogs do!) and they’re so forgiving.

We just celebrated their 3rd birthday on Sunday, January 30th.  It was gorgeous weather in the 70’s and bright sunshine.  We played outside running around with dog toys, and chasing a tennis ball.  They ran around the yard and the pool like it was their own personal doggy park!  They looked a lot like gazelles!

What love we are given, we’ll have forever.  What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity. — Leo Buscaglia

 

We went for a short walk also, which they love to do.  And then they celebrated their “Birthday” with their  special treat:  Doggie Ice Cream Treats.  They absolutely adored these non-milk items.  I opted for my personal Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich – human style!

For the first time in nine months, I felt the love, unconditionally, and laughed and smiled endlessly.  Then I cried – happy tears for them, sad tears for losing Martin – and they came over and sat beside me knowingly, quiet and staring up at me.  As I dried my eyes they rested their chins on my lap and watched me with deep brown fixed eyes.  I could only smile as they reached up kissed my cheek – more like licking really.  But I knew what in dog terms they were saying.  We now are family!  We share a bond of unconditional love knowing whatever we do, we’re forgiven.  Why?  Because we love each other.  What a lovely lesson to learn isn’t it?

I have two magnets in the shape of dog paws on my refrigerator.  They say:  

And they both express the real meaning of love don’t they.  Not only with pets but also humans.  Think of this next time you need to scold your child – or even admonish your spouse!  No matter what, always, always tell them and show them you love them.  Time is too short for grudges.  Time is too short not to feel the love.

Unconditional Love


Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means.

 

The other day, while discussing my late husband’s suicide, I came across a woman who was upset that her ex boyfriend had found someone else to love and married her.  She couldn’t understand and said that this hurt her.  But why?  She had said good-bye to him and told him she could not merely be friends with him. 

Let’s talk of the simple act of giving without wanting anything in return.  Many of us are unconsciously so self-centered that everything we do, even within our closest relationships, is actually bartering rather than unselfish giving.  This can be true even when we are dealing with ourselves. 

We all realize giving on any level feels really good, but internally all forms of giving are not equal.  When we give with expectation of receiving something in return, we are not really letting go of what we are giving are we?  If we do not let go completely, we still cling to whatever we gave.

 Giving unconditional love requires us to love without any expectations.  It seems difficult to only love and not demand anything in return in today’s world where everyone is selfish and egotistic.  But even in this world we see many examples of unconditional love, for example the love a mother gives to her child, the love between two life partners and the love bestowed upon siblings.  To love unconditionally you will have to learn to sacrifice your self, your desires and most importantly your ego.

First of all remember you are not supposed to expect anything from the person you love.  It’s true that love makes its way itself.  When you love somebody with so much passion and ardor, it’s sure to come round in one way or another.  But if somehow you don’t get as much as you give, don’t complain or argue.  Always keep in mind that loving others and giving them everything you have will make you satisfied and happy with yourself.  If not, then move on. 

We need to develop strong will power to love unconditionally.  At some point in our lives we all demand some kind of love and want to express our own love for someone.  Believe in the principle of giving more and demanding less.  When someone asks you for a favor always be ready to give it.  Never complain that you don’t have enough time or you have other tasks to do.

When you love somebody unconditionally you want the best for that person.  Think positively about them even if they make mistakes or do not return your feelings.  Give them sincere advice about their future and other decisions.  Always look around for the betterment of your loved ones without any envy on your part.  If you have to sacrifice something of your own for them, don’t hesitate to do so.  Only then you will truly be able to love unconditionally.

Remember unconditional love is given without expectations or limitations.  You don’t define any scope of your love or how long will you love a person.  This is an eternal feeling which should be kept alive in all circumstances and all situations.  Never lose hope and keep on loving people who are dear and close to you, only then you will be able to live a completely satisfied and emotionally balanced life.