If you’ve been seeing a man and very carefully not demanded or had a talk about where the relationship is going, not pressured him or asked for any kind of commitment, and then he says, “I need space…” as if you HAD been pressuring him, I know how frustrating that can be.
You want to scream, “I didn’t ask you for a commitment!” And that’s where the problem is.
No matter what we do and say, our “vibe” is what our man hears. He may not know how, but he knows what you “really” want … even if you’re hiding it not only from him, but from YOURSELF.
How does that work? And how can be solve this so that we don’t lose a man for either reason – pushing and pressuring him?
It’s all so easy if you’re not in love with him. I mean if you feel like he’s a friend, and you don’t have the “tingles” when you’re with him and you don’t care if he calls or if you see him, it’s easy.
In that situation, there isn’t ANY part of you that wants MORE. You’re probably looking for the man you REALLY want to show up, and are just “making do” with the guy in front of you now.
But what if you DO care for this man?
What if you DO feel the “tingles” and you DO want MORE with him?
And what if you tell him you DON’T want more, and try to be casual? What if you never mention your dreams for your own future? What if you “play it” casual?
Well what happens when we try to take the pressure off of a man by steering clear of our REAL desires for a REAL relationship is that we make him feel UNSAFE.
That’s right. And I know it sounds wrong, because you’d think it would do the opposite. You’d think he’d feel SAFE.
But no. Because this is what he “gets” from being with us:
He “senses” on a deep level, because of the “vibe” we put out. And because we can’t help feeling what we feel on some level we might not even be aware of (we may think we’re so good at “playing” it casual we don’t realize he can pick up on our “seriousness” anyway) that we WANT him, and WANT a relationship with him. But he knows that, for some reason, we’re holding back on letting him see how we really feel.
And the moment he picks up that you’re holding back, he feels unsafe. He figures, on some deep level he’s not even aware of, that if you can’t handle YOUR feelings you certainly won’t be able to handle HIS feelings.
What Makes Him Feel “Safe“
Men are a mass of jumbled emotions just as much as we are, and their biggest dream for love is to be totally ACCEPTED for who they are – ALL parts of them.
That’s what makes them feel safe.
And if you don’t love and accept yourself completely, even the parts of yourself you think are weak, ugly and yucky, he’ll have difficulty feeling safe with you.
Even your boundaries in what you will and will not tolerate from a man make him feel safe.
He feels that if you can take care of yourself emotionally, his emotions – and his secrets – will be safe with you!
Dealing With Fear
Fear is never going to go away. It stops us from getting what we want, when all fear was ever designed to do is protect us from harm. So, how can we use fear the way it’s meant to be used – to be a red flag and a warning – and NOT let it run us and get in the way of our true happiness?
The Nasty Voice inside your head that’s telling you to “Be Afraid” is never going to go away. The horror movie business would disappear if fear weren’t the overwhelming emotion for nearly everyone.
So the trick is to LIVE with it. In fact, to use the ENERGY of fear to GET what you want! We need to get past fear and work in tiny baby steps.
Remember: Life is all about baby steps!
Fear moves around your body, from one idea to another, from one image to another, from one situation to another.
If you are afraid of moths and then overcome that fear, it doesn’t mean you are through with FEAR for life – there will always be fear. But also…
And it GETS SMALLER, too. You can work to make fear smaller, or you can work to make fear larger. This is where you have a choice.
Right now, it may seem easier and less scary to focus on what’s going on with your man than to focus on yourself and your fears about getting a passionate, thrilling, satisfying life whether or not your man is in it. (I know it sounds worse, but our minds are fiercely weird sometimes.)
This fear is about the “unknown”… about what MIGHT happen.
Since we have no way to truly know what WILL happen, we’re always reacting with our fear of what MIGHT happen. That fear stops us in our tracks, and pretty much pushes our man away.
So why don’t you decide to CHOOSE to make fear smaller. And how do you do that? With baby-steps ….
Getting Over Fear One Step At A Time
That means you take a baby-step toward what you’re most afraid of. And when you discover you’ve not only lived through that but feel actually STRONGER because of the step you took – you’ll feel excited to take ANOTHER baby step.
And with every baby step, some old fears get smaller and maybe some new ones get bigger.
That’s why SUCCESS is usually so much scarier than failure! At least we KNOW what failure is all about but success seems almost incomprehensible.
Guess what? Even while fears are moving around, getting smaller and growing bigger and then getting smaller again – YOU’VE MOVED!!
Yep – YOU’RE closer to SUCCESS!
So a great baby-step would be to start doing something for yourself. Not just the normal things – going out with girlfriends or getting a massage – but TRYING something NEW:
- Perhaps volunteering to help others through an organization
- Perhaps signing up on a dating site
- Perhaps starting a new business
And you can become HIS prize (the guy destined for you) to pursue!