To Deal Or Not To Deal With Fear

Stop overthinking will ya

If you’ve  been seeing a man and very carefully not demanded or had a talk about where the relationship is going, not pressured him or asked for any kind of commitment, and then he says, “I need space…” as if you HAD been pressuring him, I know how frustrating that can be.

You want to scream, “I didn’t ask you for a commitment!”  And that’s where the problem is.


No matter what we do and say, our “vibe” is what our man hears.  He may not know how, but he knows what you “really” want … even if you’re hiding it not only from him, but from YOURSELF.


How does that work?  And how can be solve this so that we don’t lose a man for either reason – pushing and pressuring him?


It’s all so easy if you’re not in love with him.  I mean if you feel like he’s a friend, and you don’t have the “tingles” when you’re with him and you don’t care if he calls or if you see him, it’s easy.

In that situation, there isn’t ANY part of you that wants MORE.  You’re probably looking for the man you REALLY want to show up, and are just “making do” with the guy in front of you now.


But what if you DO care for this man? 

What if you DO feel the “tingles” and you DO want MORE with him?

And what if you tell him you DON’T want more, and try to be casual?  What if you never mention your dreams for your own future?  What if you “play it” casual?

Well what happens when we try to take the pressure off of a man by steering clear of our REAL desires for a REAL relationship is that we make him feel UNSAFE.

That’s right. And I know it sounds wrong, because you’d think it would do the opposite.  You’d think he’d feel SAFE.

But no.  Because this is what he “gets” from being with us:

He “senses” on a deep level, because of the “vibe” we put out.  And because we can’t help feeling what we feel on some level we might not even be aware of (we may think we’re so good at “playing” it casual we don’t realize he can pick up on our “seriousness” anyway) that we WANT him, and WANT a relationship with him.  But he knows that, for some reason, we’re holding back on letting him see how we really feel.

And the moment he picks up that you’re holding back, he feels unsafe.  He figures, on some deep level he’s not even aware of, that if you can’t handle YOUR feelings you certainly won’t be able to handle HIS feelings.

Beliefs have power to create and destroy

What Makes Him Feel “Safe

Men are a mass of jumbled emotions just as much as we are, and their biggest dream for love is to be totally ACCEPTED for who they are – ALL parts of them.

That’s what makes them feel safe.

And if you don’t love and accept yourself completely, even the parts of yourself you think are weak, ugly and yucky, he’ll have difficulty feeling safe with you.

Even your boundaries in what you will and will not tolerate from a man make him feel safe.

He feels that if you can take care of yourself emotionally, his emotions – and his secrets – will be safe with you!


Dealing With Fear

Fear is never going to go away.  It stops us from getting what we want, when all fear was ever designed to do is protect us from harm.  So, how can we use fear the way it’s meant to be used – to be a red flag and a warning – and NOT let it run us and get in the way of our true happiness?


The Nasty Voice inside your head that’s telling you to “Be Afraid” is never going to go away.  The horror movie business would disappear if fear weren’t the overwhelming emotion for nearly everyone.


So the trick is to LIVE with it.  In fact, to use the ENERGY of fear to GET what you want!  We need to get past fear and work in tiny baby steps.

Remember:  Life is all about baby steps!

the one meant for you

Fear moves around your body, from one idea to another, from one image to another, from one situation to another.

If you are afraid of moths and then overcome that fear, it doesn’t mean you are through with FEAR for life – there will always be fear.  But also…


Fear Grows

And it GETS SMALLER, too. You can work to make fear smaller, or you can work to make fear larger.  This is where you have a choice.

Right now, it may seem easier and less scary to focus on what’s going on with your man than to focus on yourself and your fears about getting a passionate, thrilling, satisfying life whether or not your man is in it.  (I know it sounds worse, but our minds are fiercely weird sometimes.)

This fear is about the “unknown”… about what MIGHT happen.

Since we have no way to truly know what WILL happen, we’re always reacting with our fear of what MIGHT happen.  That fear stops us in our tracks, and pretty much pushes our man away.

So why don’t you decide to CHOOSE to make fear smaller.  And how do you do that?  With baby-steps ….


Getting Over Fear One Step At A Time

That means you take a baby-step toward what you’re most afraid of.  And when you discover you’ve not only lived through that but feel actually STRONGER because of the step you took – you’ll feel excited to take ANOTHER baby step.

And with every baby step, some old fears get smaller and maybe some new ones get bigger.

That’s why SUCCESS is usually so much scarier than failure!  At least we KNOW what failure is all about but success seems almost incomprehensible.

Guess what?  Even while fears are moving around, getting smaller and growing bigger and then getting smaller again – YOU’VE MOVED!!


Yep – YOU’RE closer to SUCCESS!

So a great baby-step would be to start doing something for yourself.  Not just the normal things – going out with girlfriends or getting a massage – but TRYING something NEW:

  • Perhaps      volunteering to help others through an organization
  • Perhaps      signing up on a dating site
  • Perhaps      starting a new business

And you can become HIS prize (the guy destined for you) to pursue!


Love is in the air Take a Deep Breath


Out of Darkness: Sharing The Light


 All those who have likely seen all the ads, including the preview of the new Oprah Winfrey cable network OWN, raise your hand(s).   Really, how could most of us miss it with all of the hubbub?  It does look innovative and exciting and I probably will watch. 

Which brings me to my point.  Tonight I watched previews for OWN.  I observed preview of upcoming shows with Ryan & Tatum O’Neal and their broken father-daughter relationship.  I listened about the upset of Naomi and Wynona’s mother-daughter damaged relationship and their musical relationship breakdown.  And I heard Shania Twain say she lost her voice and her confidence as well as her much publicized marital breakup.   And one individual’s words really struck me: Lady Sarah Ferguson and how she feels “broken.”  

That has me reflecting upon my own life and why I feel broken.  As a survivor from a spouse who completed suicide, I have been working at healing over the past eight months.  Grieving the death of a loved one, especially by suicide, is undoubtedly one of the hardest things we may ever endure as humans. 


Strong feelings of sadness and loneliness commonly occur following a loved one’s death.  Other painful feelings like fear, anxiety, guilt, resentment, anger and shame are also common.   Keep in mind that each person grieves in their own way and at their own pace.  There is no set timeline for healing.  Questions and thoughts plague us such as, “Why couldn’t I see the signs?” and, “Why didn’t he talk to me about his feelings and the depression he experienced? 

Truth is that I still feel broken, yet I have come a long way in eight months.  I’m at a place where I can now see  through the darkness of the forest and am trying to reach the light beyond.  Realizing I will never be the same again, I maintain a special goal – to help others who may endure, or already have endured similar pain trying to come out of their darkness.  “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”   Eleanor Roosevelt  

Here are some staggering facts for you to digest.

  • A person dies by suicide ~every 15 minutes in the U.S.
  • ~ 90% of all who die by suicide have a diagnosable, treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
  • More Americans suffer from depression than coronary heart disease (17 million), cancer (12 million) and HIV/AIDS (1 million).
  • Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesses.  Between 80 – 90% of people with depression respond positively to treatment.  But first, depression has to be recognized. 

Studies indicate that the best way to prevent suicide is through early recognition and treatment of depression and other psychiatric illnesses. 

A common thread for the majority of us survivors is:  What do I do now?  Although it may seem difficult, maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the stress-filled months after a loved one’s suicide.  Even if you impress upon other’s that you do not have the strength currently to contact them, ask them to please contact you consistently. 

Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are especially difficult, so you might want to think about whether to continue old traditions or create some new ones.  You likely will experience waves of sadness; these are a normal part of the grieving process. 

Most important be kind to yourself.  When you feel ready, begin to go on with your life.  Eventually starting to enjoy life again is not a betrayal of your loved one, but rather a sign that you have begun to heal.  “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”     Carl Jung

By reading the messages and stats contained herein, you may begin to come out of the darkness and heal.  By sharing these messages, you just may be able to share the light with others so we may all begin to heal the brokenness!

Connections Make a Difference


   An African proverb tells us, “If you want to go fast, go alone.  If you want to go far, go together.”


The need to belong – to feel that you have people to turn to – is so basic and so critical to mental and physical health that some scientists put it right up there with thirst and hunger.  And just as we drink to quench our thirst or eat to soothe a growling stomach, we also can stave off isolation.  This idea was noted and inspired by Melinda Blau in her book, “Consequential Strangers: The Power of People Who Don’t Seem to Matter…But Really Do.”

Those closest to us are familiar, satisfying, nourishing and dependable.  They enable us to survive.  But to thrive, we also need “consequential strangers.”  They are the casual relations you find in the other aisles of the social supermarket.  Your coworkers, neighbors, yoga instructor, pastor, gym buddies and the nice lady at the dry cleaners.  They all can introduce you to new ideas and novel experiences.

Interacting with a variety of people boosts your immune system and increases your chances of success.     

Studies also suggest that diverse social ties keep your mind sharp and might even help you live longer.  From each person we get something different:  inspiration, information, a unique bond, novelty or momentary companionship.

With consequential strangers, we’re often freer and more expressive than we are with family, where loved ones tend to typecast us.  We can stretch ourselves with acquaintances and move beyond familiar roles. 

By looking at the entourage of intimates and consequential strangers you’ve picked up as you’ve traveled through life, you begin to see your past and present through new eyes.  You notice that in small and great ways, all your relationships matter.  It helps you to know that you’re not alone.  And that to me is priceless!

How We Ambush Our Happiness


Ever been hurt in a relationship?  Or accused your partner for something you knew deep inside wasn’t their responsibility?  It seems customary in our world for people to pull back from that very person they may love and to feel betrayed by their partner’s failures or what we judge as failure. 

A great deal of dissatisfaction is socially inflicted from our beliefs in the guidelines and unwritten rules of society; we are conditioned to blame our partners for our unhappiness.  But is it really their responsibility to make us happy?  Or is it our right, and our obligation alone to make ourselves happy? 

We ought to accept that our partner is not ideal in every way although he/she is ideal in many ways.  When wishing your partner were different, why not remind yourself of all the ways they are the person you want to be with?  Focus on the positives to work out any negative feelings.  Somehow our  disappointment feels so “personal” we see no other possibility but to hunt for psychological reasons – that is, to blame our partner for our personal happiness. 

People work themselves up over the ordinary problems of relationships, for which they usually fail to see their own contributions.  They badger their partners to change and convince themselves nothing will shift or change and so they work their way out of a really good relationship.  More than ever we are paying attention to the most volatile elements of our emotional makeup – elements too reactive to fleeting events to give meaning to life. 

Ultimately how is anyone going to stack up against this perfect person who is out there somewhere just waiting to be found?  It creates doubt about the person you are with, someone you might be in love with, yet you keep thinking who knows what is possible out there?  What am I missing if I stay in my current relationship?  The grass is always greener theory never seems to prove itself does it …

Do you play the dissatisfaction or heartbreak game?  Heightened sensitivity to relationship problems that follow from constantly appraising our happiness only serves to encourage us to turn our dissatisfaction into our own personal heartbreak.  It’s a no win situation for us or our partner. 

Through the alchemy of desire, our wants become needs and unfulfilled needs become our personal tragedies.  Simple as that, sadly.  We take the everyday disappointments in our relationships and treat them as intolerable, and see them as demeaning, sort of the equivalent of alcoholism or abuse.  And, of course, we gauge that we want and must get out of that relationship and fast. 

Important as it is for us to choose the right partner, probably it is more important to actually be the right partner.  We often focus on changing the wrong person.  If anyone has to change in a relationship, isn’t it us – although preferably with the help of a partner?  We feel that we deserve better than we’re getting and tend to give up on the relationship in order to find the perfect Mr. or Ms. Right.

Life worth living, in my opinion, is a life worth having – one in which you and your partner are happy, focused and working just as hard on your relationship as you do playing sports, or working at your job/career.

I don’t believe that each current relationship is where those two partners should be.  But if you look at the stats for marriages, the breakdown and finality: the divorce rate is higher than 50%.  This is a staggering statistic. 

Happiness is holding on to your values, deciding who you are and who you want to be and being that person.  Use your talents, invest in yourself and others and most especially invest in your relationship.